LET’S TALK ABOUT MENTAL HEALTH

I’ve been trying to avoid writing about this topic for a while but I realized that I have an obligation to shade light on this topic which isn’t talked about in my community. I know what it means to hit rock bottom because of mental health challenges and I also know what it means to pick yourself up and start to rebuild from scratch. This is a glimpse to my journey so it may or may not apply to you

From 2013 to about 2016, my mental health took a toll on me. I had been in the US for a couple of years, was trying to figure out work and school with minimal guidance and support, I got out of a relationship which ended badly and working 2-3 jobs to survive while trying to keep up good grades as pre-med with a microbiology major didn’t  make things any easier. I failed my first class, got my first B in college and I couldn’t believe it because I was raised not to fail. It was never an option. I lost interest in everything, my self confidence and self esteem was at negative. There were days when I laid in my bed for weeks without eating or going to class. I was so thin but I covered it up with I workout a lot when people asked. I didn’t even know what was going on and when I was finally diagnosed with depression and anxiety, I had no idea what these words meant, I had no one to talk to about it and I was ashamed that this was a part of me now.  Telling a Cameroonian parent or family member that you are suffering from mental health issues is like speaking a foreign language to them. I also became really good at keeping up appearances which showed that I was okay when I needed to.

I became so angry and distant from my friends and family. I was angry at them for not being there for me even though they were mostly across the globe and I didn’t tell them what was going on with me. I expected them to magically know and be there for me. I blamed them for abandoning me. I had hit rock bottom and two things happen when you hit rock bottom you go all the way down or you become sick of feeling that way and decide to pick yourself up. You find or lose your purpose when this happens. So, I went to therapy for a while and I stopped because it wasn’t working for me. I didn’t really connect with my therapist so I didn’t open up to her. She suggested medication and I declined because I saw medication as a bandaid. Medication works for a lot of people and I know that some people absolutely need it to go about their daily lives but I knew deep down I didn’t need it.

I thought that if I went away then it will all go away, so I applied to a study abroad program and went to Australia for 6 months. This trip saved me for a while because it was like I was given a chance to start over. I came back to the US and of course my issues came right back because I was in the same environment where it started and I didn’t address them, I just blocked them off for while. 

I went back to therapy and made sure this time I found a therapist that I could trust and open up to. Putting a name to what was going on was the first step, accepting and focusing on understanding myself and my triggers was what made me better. I did my homework from therapy and was committed to tackling the problem from the source. I was still angry at my family and became the most defensive person on the planet. I knew in order to let them in again, I had to let myself in and connect with those emotions that scared me and made me uncomfortable. I learned to love the person I saw in the mirror and allow people to love me return. When I started loving myself and connecting with my emotions, it made it easier for me let my family back in, become understanding and be free of anger.

If I tell you it was easy I would be lying. It was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to do and I still have to do. I still have my days when i’m down, super anxious and I isolate myself but that’s my mental health journey and it’s the part of me that i’ve decided to fully accept because it doesn’t just disappear. The only difference between now and the past is that in the past it was a weakness but now it is both my source of strength and weakness, because I can talk about it without the fear of being stigmatized and I can be an advocate for those who don’t think they are going to okay.

It really does get better but you have to want it more than anything else and be prepared to fight for yourself. Seek help because there’s just so much that your family and friends can do to support you. You can’t just turn your mental health on and off. The more you ignore it, it gets worst and it affects every aspect of your life. Identify your triggers and instead of avoiding them, face them. Avoiding your triggers provides a temporal relief but it gets worst when you are faced with the same situation again. DO NOT IGNORE YOUR MENTAL HEALTH. I’ve never really shared these details with anyone but I found the strength because I know it can help someone. 

Dealing with people who struggle with mental health issues requires a lot of patience and unconditional love, but remember that your own mental health is equally valuable. So don’t spread yourself too thin or feel like you have carry our burden. This is my journey so, it may or may not apply or relate to you!

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